Walking home from work the other day, I came across this sight. From what I could tell as I chased this poor guy down the street with my camera phone, this hair is real. How does one grow hair this long!? And how does he wash it? Extremely long hair itself freaks me out. Once the stuff starts getting close to grazing the ass area, I get uncomfortable, and will walk the other way. But when it's this long on a dreadhead, I really need to get a closer look.

Dreaded Locks

So, here I am almost running into the guy trying to get a better shot. This CANNOT be sanitary right? I definitely don't get it, and I was expecting some shit to fly out of the hair at any time.

Dreaded Locks 2

Then, you would not believe the coincidence, but here I am on the bus, and check out the guy sitting in front of me. It's like a mini-dread. Is it just me or does this put you off leaning against the seat back? I really don't get this style. Someone totally needs to explain it to me, and how it works.

All over the seat

Did you see this shit?!?

Waterfall art to splash come summer

BY KATHLEEN LUCADAMO
DAILY NEWS CITY HALL BUREAU

Parts of the city will be bathed in giant waterfalls when the grandest public art project in years hits this summer.

New York City Waterfalls, a $15 million project paid for with private donations, will spring up from mid-July to mid-October.

"These waterfalls will be just as awe-inspiring as any found in nature," bragged Mayor Bloomberg Tuesday after unveiling plans at South Street Seaport for the art project.

"They really must be seen to be believed," he added.

YADA YADA YADA

Feces Falls

First of all, who even thinks of this shit?!? Second of all, $15 million to build this? Who would EVER give money for this?! Um, this is the East River. The water is gross enough just sitting there. Why blow the toxic waste all over the fucking place?! I'm sorry but I think this is the most ridiculous thing ever. I can see the body parts and feces cascading down from here! Seriously, here's what NYC needs to do with $15 million and all that water - HOSE OUT THE FUCKING SUBWAY!!!

Most people enjoy a cup of coffee with a muffin or a scone or even a bagel. When you go to a coffee shop, it's a place to sit and relax and look at the morning paper as you drink in the aroma of freshly brewed coffee. Well, not in New York. Here's what I had to look at and smell as I sat at Starbucks trying to enjoy my morning coffee.

Why don't you just shit directly on me

Damn homeless people! They really get me jacked up! Why are they allowed in just anywhere?!? This guy REEKED like urine and feces and he just stood at the counter for, like, 20 minutes repeatedly yelling some incoherent phrase through his tooth.

Homeless Coffee Drinker

Here he is falling all over the promotional basket of Pike's Place Roast ... still mumbling something super loudly. And look how nobody even takes notice? This has become such normal and acceptable behavior in NYC, that people aren't even fazed by it. Finally, the manager gave him a sandwich or something and he left. It's one thing that these people are allowed all over the subway, but now they get to hang out at Starbucks, too? Soon, I won't be able to even leave my apartment!

On my last trip I took this new ghetto airline, Spirit. You know, anything to save a dime for the client. However, the airline was quite nice. No different from the others, but a bit cheaper. Sure you didn't get the stale peanuts and soft drinks for free, nor a blanket or headphones or pillow, but WHO THE HELL WANTS THAT?!? Peanuts, really? Nobody likes peanuts. And nobody wants a soft drink on a flight. I guarantee. And for the blankets, headphones and pillows, well, um, why don't you just have every person who's ever flown in this aircraft dump their ear germs, skin flakes and dandruff directly on me? NOT NEEDED. So I'm all for the Spirit airline gig. You could say, "I've got the spirit." In fact, you would say that until you hear about the flight I was on.

Cut to I get in my seat and directly behind me some loud, drunk soccer players board. VERY hot! So I have no objection. They sit down, though, and start cracking the worst, most un-funny jokes anyone has ever heard, and they are cackling with laughter at themselves. I never understand how dorky people actually think they are funny. Anyway, there was a guy with a thick southern accent - annoying enough I know -  and he's sitting with his teammate who's foreign. He's got some sort of South American accent I think. Anyway, he goes on and on for, like, an hour using every "spirit" pun he could think of. I swear nothing could be more annoying, except the fact that he actually thought all of his "spirit" jokes were original and funny. We got everything from, "Don't lose the spirit!" (When they found out we were third in line for take-off) to "That's the spirit!" (When they learned their favorite brand of vodka [not a cool brand] was available on the flight.) This annoying fucker had every phrase in the book for "spirit." He actually told the flight attendant, "You've taken my spirit" when she reported that the Combos were gone. And he didn't ever stop laughing at each one ... ALONE!! Finally, he fell asleep. And that's when I had my next annoyance.

I'm sitting next to some spank who instead of using half of the SHARED armrest for his actual arm, he decided to use the WHOLE armrest for his stupid phone and sunglasses.

Space invader

Let me tell you this was an evening flight - no sunlight - and cell phones aren't allowed on any fucking flight!! Why does he need to take up both of our armrests for his macho bullshit. I was so pissed. I gave dirty looks to these inanimate objects and to him throughout the flight. One time, he took that shit off the rest when he opened his tray table for his Pringles and beer. I then swooped in and put my wine on the middle armrest. I swear, not more than two minutes later, he "accidentally" hit my wine with his arm and dumped all the shit off the armrest. No apologies, nothing. So I picked up all the garbage and said (for no apparent reason), "No problem. That's OK." He didn't care at all. He folded his tray table back and put his slimy-earred sunglasses and phone back on the armrest. It's a wonder that more people don't get thrown from planes and I certainly have every urge to do it.

WHO CAN STAND TO LIVE IN FLORIDA!!?!? I'm here on business and I haven't stopped sweating since I stepped off the plane four days ago. What's with the humidity? Good lord, I think some sort of foliage grew in my bag while I was here from this tropical climate.

Had a great time, though. It is really, really beautiful down here - at least near the ocean. I just like to look at it from an air conditioned area. It's weird because when I don't have to work while I'm here, the weather doesn't bug me. I just sit at the beach or the pool and I guess I don't mind being all sweaty and gross. But the minute I have to put makeup on and real clothes and go somewhere and be presentable ... can't do it. I end up flooding the state with all my sweating. I can't imagine a place where I am LESS attractive than in Florida.

How do they do it?!? I actually was hanging around with some woman today whose hair stayed perfectly straight, and not once did she even break a sweat. I don't get it. I, on the other hand, had to settle for the frizzy pony tail and when my chic NYC bangs wouldn't cooperate, I had to barrette them down. YES! I'm a million years old and I had a freakin' barrette in my hair. The Florida me is NOT attractive at all. Shoot.

... with what they perceive as clever phrases. Apparently this whole cliche/corporate jargon bullshit has become a regular column for me, as I've already bitched about this in numerous posts, starting with the ever-so-popular Clever Phrases for Stupid People. I can't help it! Why do people have to be so freakin' lame?!?

So, cut to a big corporate pow wow. It's my colleagues and me and the clients and then several other "business partners." We all work on this one project - and we're all equal in that we all report to the one client. So in walks this hooker, I mean, new person from a new "business partner" replacing a group that was recently fired. She's wearing a backless dress and her tits are falling out ... in this ultra-stodgy meeting!! She had total greasy bedhead hair, like she JUST got laid on the way to the meeting. If that wasn't shocking enough, the woman spent the entire meeting interjecting during everyone else's presentations with comments and suggestions. It was obvious that as the newest member of our project team, she was trying to "bring something new to the table." Or maybe she was trying to "shake things up." And it was apparent by all the "Wait, WHO ARE YOU?" looks going around the room that nobody cared what this disheveled, naked woman thought. 

Finally, it was actually her turn to present and that's when greasy-haired tit girl took on a whole new level of annoyance. Not only does she show up to a meeting looking like a pile of shit while making condescending remarks to the rest of us in actual business attire, but she spouts all the corporate jargon, too! Here are some of my favorites:

• In this next phase you'll see. This is where the "rubber meets the road."
• What it is is "hard core yelling and selling."
• "We racheted up the volume on this one." (Then later, not only was her team responsible for "racheting up the volume" but they also "dialed it up," too. Amazing!)
• What we want is the messaging "baked in." We need a "baked in" platform.

The weird thing is that I'm really the only one who seems to get annoyed by these ridiculous phrases. I literally just sit and stew in my seat, which is usually disguised by my feverish note-taking as I'm making sure I get every stupid phrase down on paper. Everyone else honestly looks impressed at the naked woman's ability to spout out this crap. Have we really transitioned to place where we don't say anything literal at all? Will we soon just be communicating via cliche?

Where do these people come from? And when did they start dressing hooker? Perplexing!

Well, I certainly have been better! I've been sick for the past week. One of those really bad colds where I'm feverish and clammy and sweaty and, the worst, my nose is completely stuffed up! Like I seriously cannot breathe. I can't sleep at all because I feel like I'm suffocating. I have issues with sleeping with my mouth open I guess. Last night I did everything that came to mind. I took cold medicine and separate decongestants. Then I did a salt nasal rinse while submersing my head in steam. Nothing! So, I pulled out the nasal spray and started squirting away. That worked, for like a minute, before I was stuffed up again. I put Vicks VapoRub on my upper lip. I snorted a nasal decongestant inhaler. I even installed one of those breathe easy strips. Nothing! Then my nostrils seemed to take turns. One would open for second and then close up as the other one would open. Each time I was psyched thinking the asphyxiation was finally over only to be disappointed time and time again.

On top of that, I have a giant blister on my right heel from these really cute peek-toe pumps I just got (and I guess I'll never wear again). This blister is seriously like a freakin' tanker. It's huge! I've been really good and haven't popped it. I'm going to try and let it heal naturally. It kind of matches my other foot, which is damaged by the Ped Egg. Have you heard of this cheese grater for feet? It's actually really cool and works wonders at getting dead skin off your feet. I guess you gotta just know when to stop, unlike me, who basically grated my heel down to bone. Now I've got to wear a huge bandage to cover up the raw areas. It hurts a lot to walk on it, but I haven't been able to pay much attention to it since I sliced my hand open on a stitch ripper. See, I bought one of those knock-off bags in Chinatown. I don't normally do street bags, but this one was cool, except for the fake Kate Spade tag stitched into it. It was when I was trying to remove the faux designer label that the accident happened. It's a really deep cut in between the thumb and forefinger. I'm pretty sure I should have gotten stitches because it's been a week and the wound still hasn't closed. I used those little butterfly closure things, but I can still look directly into my hand through the gaping hole.

Just when I start to worry about my hand, I'm distracted by the giant, painful and annoying inflamed tastebud on my tongue. Where do those things come from!? And why are they so annoying?! I can't stop trying to scrape it off with my front teeth. And FINALLY ... I haven't pooped in, like, a week. Don't get me wrong. It's not like I don't have to. I do! I try! And nothing!

So in the absence of pooping, I spent my week running to the drug store for gauze, bandages, peroxide, cold medicine, kleenex (which by the way gave me a zit on my nose), and now tonight, laxatives.

I am single. Never been married, and I'm in my early 100s. Let me say - especially if you don't know me well - single life suits me. I have no real urge to be married, just for the sake of being married. I get pissed of when people feel sorry for me and try to tell me, "You'll meet someone some day." Or any of the other degrading anti-single remarks people make. Who says I want to meet someone? The only reason I would consider getting married right now is to get all these annoying people off my back!

That said (notice the corporate jargon), there are still times when I complain with my other single girlfriends about all the unattractive, weird, crazy people that get married and we wonder - as cool and normal as we are - why we aren't married, too. Then I happened to be home one afternoon watching Oprah when her guest was a blue man!! Seriously, Papa Smurf blue. He went on to tell the story of how he turned blue by drinking and putting on his skin colloidal silver. And Dr. Oz basically said this is how his skin will be forever now. He looks ridiculous and claims he never even noticed his skin color changing until someone told him. Really? Look at him! He didn't notice?!?

Blue Man

Blue Man 2

As I felt bad for the idiocy of this man, Oprah then turned the camera to ... that's right ... his fiancee!! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!? The Blue Man is getting married? And she seems like a lovely normal gal who fell in love with him AFTER he turned blue.

Blue Mans fiance

While I don't begrudge this colorful couple their happiness, I do have to say this is a momentous occasion for me, regardless of my feelings about marriage. I truly have reached a new low as THE BLUE MAN WILL GET MARRIED BEFORE I WILL!

Anyone who has read my blog knows my feelings on kids. I think they're pretty much assholes ... still. Of course, not my nephew or any of my friends' kids. Love them! But overall, I can't think of anything more annoying than kids, except maybe the homeless people who use the subway as a toilet.

Spent a day this weekend at the pool with, what else, tons of kids. Yes, they annoyed the crap out of me and sort of took all the fun and relaxation out of the day for me. However, it was kinda funny to watch them. It's such a flashback to being a kid myself. First, there's the bossy asshole kid who yells orders to the other kids all day and forces them to do everything his way. And the other kids really don't object. I wonder if they think he's really smart or if they just don't care enough to go up against him.

This bossy kid also thought he was like the Don Rickles of the pool. (Does that reference age me much?) I felt so bad because he started calling this chubby kid, "The Hippo." And then he'd laugh and laugh and laugh. He was screaming it out, "Hippo! Do a cannonball! Check out The Hippo doing a cannonball!" Soon, the rest of the kids followed suit and everyone was yelling for The Hippo to do more cannonballs. And none of the parents said a thing. I guess I don't get the whole parenting thing. If The Hippo was my kid, I would be in that pool in a second whaling on the bossy kid with my clever quips, who by the way was not smart, funny or attractive at all! But none of the parents were doing anything, so it wasn't my place.

Then, it was really funny that bossy kid kept having to explain how to play Marco Polo. Um, one guy yells out, "Marco!" And the rest of the kids respond, "Polo!" And then everyone swims around randomly. It's not brain surgery. In fact, I do believe it to be the dumbest game on the planet. Everybody cheats! When you're "it" you always open your eyes! And, for that matter, WE played Marco Polo when I was little. Really? In fifty years they haven't come up with a new pool game? A less verbal one perhaps?

Then I also noticed that all the kids now wear goggles or those giant snorkeling masks. Not sure how or when this caught on, but damn these kids have everything these days! In my day, we put up with bloodshot eyes, and what my friend Lane described as rainbow rings around the light. (Not sure what kind of pool he was swimming in to make it so psychedelic). Goggles were for the dorks when I was young. That and the inhaler on the chain around the neck.

And, finally, you know I can't post something like this without my intense germophobia rearing its ugly head. I noticed through the course of the day that kids didn't exit the pool once to go to the bathroom. So, basically, every time I went into the water, I was swimming in gallons of human urine - maybe even feces, who knows? Does it even occur to the parents that their kids have not peed in hours? Do they not care at all that there are clean adults there who might enjoy a swim in water as opposed to fucking pee?!? Again, I'm no parental expert, but if I had kids I would teach them that "going" in the pool is wrong and I would check in periodically to ask them if they had to pee. Also, in my day, the pool pissers were completely ostracized. You had to get out and go home! What happened to the good 'ol days?

This just goes back to my basic premise on parents - the most selfish people in the world. See, you all have it wrong. It's not selfish to NOT have a kid. It's more selfish to have kids and then subject everyone around you to their annoying noise, and even WORSE to assume that the rest of us have no problem swimming in your kids' pee!

Um, DON'T CARE!!!

So, the big Memorial Day Weekend is upon us. Why do these holiday weekends make people in the office think they can just talk to you and be annoying!? How come every person today has asked me, "So, what are you doing over the weekend?" It's so freakin' cliche. Do these people REALLY care to hear what your plans are? Because I know I couldn't care less about what they are doing. Of course they don't care!! People only ask what you're doing over the weekend so THEY can tell you what they are doing. And I'm not talking about your friends at work. Of course you share with each other stuff you're doing all the time. I'm talking about those dweebs in accounting or the posers in the sales department who you avoid and have never been friends with but who now, because there's a holiday weekend, all of a sudden think it's OK to talk to you and share with you their super boring lives!

Small talk has truly gotten out of control in this country, especially in the corporate world. I just had a run-in at the copier with one of these annoying people that I normally avoid at all costs. Got the whole, "So, Gerri, what's on tap for the weekend?" Seriously, he said, "on tap." I have no intention of engaging in some long, boring discussion with this person at the copier. I'm actually DOING work today, so I can get out of here on time, unlike all these small talkers. Anyway, I say, "Oh, you know, just hangin' out." Then, without encouragement or any sign of interest from me, this jackass launches into a whole thing about his plans, basically listing his entire itinerary. Yeah - you're going out of town, you're going to eat BBQ. DUH! So is everyone else! Get over yourself! Even when I made no eye contact and instead focused on the document I had just printed out as if it was the most important document I'd ever printed that needed to be read at that very moment, he still continued with his laundry list of weekend activities. He didn't even stop talking when I just walked away. He sort of then chased me and talked to me at the same time. I gave him the obligatory, "Sounds fun." And basically shut my office door in his face.

The worst part about these people is that when we get back on Tuesday, it's going to happen all over again! "So, how was your holiday weekend? What 'ya do?"

I may have to call in sick.