Gerri Atric

Remember when I posted the below photo a friend of mine sent me of a nearly naked Speedo-wearing freak "hanging out" in the sun?

Ballsac

Well, here's one I took myself at the beach. This must be the fatter brother of the original Ballsac. I hope this is not becoming a trend. Seriously, at the beach lay on your back or your front or just sit up! Don't sprawl all over in a Speedo with your junk flying around!

Ballsac too

I know I haven't posted photos of weird people on public transportation in awhile. Give me a break! I'm grief-stricken over the death of our King of Pop and NOW the King of Infomercials, Billy Mays! Sales for Oxi-Clean and Orange-Glo will plummet! This has been a bad week for famous people.

Well, apparently, everyone else is too grief-stricken to leave their apartments, too, because I witnessed something I NEVER have or never thought I would in New York City. This is truly a once in a lifetime sight.

Here are photos I took on the bus, which usually include people with crazy hair, big eyebrows or ugly outfits. Imagine being on a New York City bus and seeing this. A completely empty bus! I was the ONLY person, besides the driver, on the bus. It was crazy! We flew up Third Ave.! There was no dinging of "stop" light. No annoying people with their asses or loud kids in my face. It was actually quite eerie and kinda creepy. I kind of felt dumb pressing the "stop" button, like the driver was probably rolling his eyes that I was making him stop

New York Wonder of the World

New York Wonder of the World 2

OMG! In addition to his awesome career, remember how much Michael Jackson wanted to change the world for the better? I had forgotten how AWESOME this song/video is until just watching it again.

It's weird because I honestly feel bad for all the young people who missed all the unbelievably awesome 80s music. Like, I know they can listen to it now, but they weren't there when MTV videos (NOT reality shows) were EVERYTHING to us! I actually remember the premiere of this video, as well as Thriller, etc. We used to have premeires for videos! And I did dance steps and air guitar and drums in my living room with my friends all day long to MTV. I'm pretty sure we even taped videos with our top-loading Beta recorder so we could play them over and over again.

Then, looking at this video I remember the artists that I loved so much back then, like Lionel Richie, who said the word "outrageous" 54 million times at the Grammys when he won pretty much every award in sight. I still listen to Can't Slow Down - Penny Lover is my fave. And I had totally forgotten about Paul Simon whom I loved so much even though he's only 4 inches tall. This was also back when Billy Joel was with Christie Brinkley. Seriously, he was, and he even sang about her in Uptown Girl.

Then, of course, was Kenny Loggins. LOVED HIM! And I had forgotten that Steve Perry was a part of this. He's quite possibly the greatest vocalist of all time. Why did he ever stop singing? He was so awesome! Also, Bruce Springsteen, who looks as if he's taking a dump during his solos, was super popular back then. I was nuts for Born in the USA. AND, could Cyndi Lauper bust out ANY MORE? She's awesome! I remember something about her being able to sing a million different octaves, AND she was super fun. Finally, what was the deal with Bob Dylan? He sucks and he's weird. I don't remember anything about him. 

Nevertheless, these poor kids who never got to truly live through all of this have really missed out. For once, I really am thankful that I'm old and got to rock out with all these artists, especially MJ! I might be a little bit more upset about his passing than I thought I was.  

I love someecards.com!

Someecards

Is everyone FINALLY over this douche, Perez Hilton? In the past week, he's fucked with the Black Eyed Peas - one of the most awesome groups EVER. AND then just today he posted his opinion that MJ's heart attack was fake and done as a promotional stunt. Really? Does anyone even still read Perez? He's an idiot! And his opinion is less important than a log's opinion - which is about the same level as my opinion (log not Hilton). Apparently, people are calling for a ban on reading Perez's blog. No prob here. I never read it anyway.

Perez Hilton Michael Jackson post

OK, so I feel terrible for Farrah Fawcett that Michael Jackson died and stole all her thunder. And I feel bad for Ed McMahon that Farrah Fawcett AND Michael Jackson died, stealing his thunder. And, MOST OF ALL, I feel like shit for Jon and Kate Plus 8 that all these insensitive REAL celebrities died and stole their undeserved thunder. It's a sad day!

Well people, I SERIOUSLY mourn my beloved Michael Jackson!! Man, I got my groove on a million times to this man in my life. Clearly, he is an icon and one of the greatest singers/performers of all time. What's interesting to me, though, as I watch all the coverage with my friends in NYC, is the crowd gathered outside The Apollo in Harlem. They keep showing crowds of black people honoring Michael outside the theater, yet wait, was he really black when he died? I don't get it.

PS - My friends are making me post this!

I have officially reached new heights (or lows) of laziness and incompetence. It's not bad enough that I live in a tiny NYC apartment with a tiny kitchen that NEVER gets used for cooking - my oven is used for storage, and my fridge is pretty much always empty. Now, I no longer can even tolerate microwave cooking. It's too annoying with all the weird directions. I just made this Healthy Choice frozen meal that had three different food courses - pasta, veggies and some apple crisp thing. According to the directions, I was supposed to peel a corner open of the apple section, then slit a hole in the broccoli part. Then cook the entree on high for 3-1/2 minutes (turning halfway through). THEN, I was supposed to stir the apple thing, recover and cook at 50% for another minute and a half. THEN, let the entree stand for 1 to 2 minutes and carefully remove the wrap before eating.

Seriously? This is supposed to be an easy "heat and eat" meal. I don't have the time nor the patience to follow all those directions. If I did I would just cook like a normal person! And how the hell do you set the microwave at 50%? I mean, I realize my microwave has a ton of buttons, but I've never actually used more than the numbers and the "start" and "stop" buttons. I can't be bothered with calibrating all sorts of settings on my microwave. I don't even want to know what all the other buttons are for.

In a rebellious stance, I didn't follow the directions exactly. In fact, I just shoved the entire dinner in the microwave, set it for 5 minutes and pressed "start." Of course, the dinner sucked, but it's a microwave dinner! It's supposed to suck, right? Or now do you have to have some sort of culinary talent to prepare a microwave meal? Will the community college be offering night and weekend courses on microwave cooking? Why must everything be so damn complicated!?

I know! I keep saying I'm not going to post about this anymore, but I continue to. Damn that Jon and Kate! Of course, they are getting divorced. We all knew that. TLC has pulled the plug on their show for a couple of months to "respect the family during this trying time." Note: TLC pulled the plug NOT the family. Jon and Kate are both selfish assholes. Yada yada yada. What concerns me most is that Jon was apartment hunting in NYC this weekend. NOOOOOOOO!!!!

I live in NYC! And take my word, we have enough douchebags living here, we do NOT need one more! So Jon, please take your double-pierced ears circa 1992 and your boy band outfits, also circa 1992 and your faux hair plugs to another city. NYC is polluted enough! Plus, I've been to that Trump building you're looking at and it's really windy over there, and there's NO place to snowboard. Seriously, NYC has nothing for you. OMG, I will slit my wrists if I have to see this poser fuck busting around the city!

I was talking with some friends about our old college days and how we were such big boozers. Man, I can't believe my college campus is still there - I feel like my friends and I drank it! We also compared our drunk "hook up" stories and it all came back to me.

I will go ahead and preface every story with "One time, I was so drunk ..."

... I met this guy who seemed kinda cute - when I was drunk. He was tall. Had a cute face (I think), but something was wrong with him and I couldn't put my finger on it. He did end up calling me after the night we met/hooked up and asked me out on a date. I went, and we had dinner at this semi-fancy place, which was unheard of in college. We thought eating at Taco Bell was a huge treat. Anyway, I was so scared about what he might look like because I couldn't really remember. But, how bad could it be? The guy must have bank if he's taking me out for a real dinner. He picked me up and sure enough I knew in an instant what the problem was that I couldn't put my finger on when I was drunk. He had the WORST toupee EVER! This guy literally had a rug of blond feathered hair that made a stripe across the top of his head. You could even see where it was adhered to his head. It was so damn distracting. How could this guy NOT see what an idiot he looked like. It was worse than the toupee George Costanza wore that one episode. Nevertheless, of course I took advantage of the situation and suggested we go to my favorite bar, knowing that all my friends would be there, and they HAD to see this shit! Sure enough, we get there, and my guy friends actually went out of their way to compliment my date on his "hair." How thick and cool the style was. And that was AFTER they were all pointing and staring and laughing. The guy actually thought they were being truthful and seriously complimenting his hair. Poor guy. He actually did have a really cute face and could've totally rocked a dome.

... I met this guy and he offered to walk me home. We made out a bunch of times in different indented doorways of the stores downtown. He seemed really cool. The next day, my friends informed me that he only had one eye. Um, HOW DID I NOT KNOW THAT!? It's not like there's anything neccessarily wrong with having only one eye, but who is that drunk they don't even notice! Yeah, me.

... I went home with a guy who had a full-scale, 10-inch-long mohawk which was completely spiked. Let me just say, in my day, people didn't have mohawks. He was the only one on our entire campus.

... I was at a basement house party talking to some dweeby drunk guy who then - out of the blue - grabbed my boob. I got all pissed off and told my guy friends, who then proceeded to stuff the dweeby boob-grabber in the dryer. AND they turned it on. AND it broke.

Ah, good times.