OK, so I never really post anything cause-related or give my opinions on recent news or controversial topics, mainly, because I just don't care about much. It takes so much effort to care, especially about stuff that doesn't have anything to do with me! But this time I have to say something. I've always thought people, in general, are REALLY clueless and the story of Tatiana, the Siberian tiger that escaped her enclosure cage and mauled a bunch of people in San Fran totally reinforces my belief. Have you seen the news coverage on this story? Check out some of the headlines:
Escaped tiger kills visitor, mauls 2 at San Francisco Zoo; cat fatally shot
Escaped tiger's zoo rampage
Seriously? We're talking about this animal as if it's a murderer that had to be shot dead to end its killing spree! Um, IT'S A WILD FUCKING ANIMAL that shouldn't be caged in a zoo in the first place. What the fuck do these people think will happen when they force an animal to live in an unnatural setting!? Of course she's going to go Siegfried and Roy first chance she gets! The idiocy of people overwhelms me! When I heard Matt Lauer going on and on about this "escaped killer" I wanted to let Tatiana loose on him, but wait, she's dead.
Reporters are now debating whether or not it's "safe" to go to a zoo. OF COURSE IT ISN'T!! Because it's not right!! The debate should be about Tatiana and other animals like her who are caged up not about these asshole people who support zoos. I hope, as a result of this, people are too afraid to go to zoos now. There should be no zoos, and if takes their own selfish fear for people to ban zoos, then whatever, I'm all for it.
Here's a list of similar incidences, yet never are these stories approached from the perspective of the animal and how the animal is the REAL victim, not all the dumbass people!!
The answer to all of this is simple people - DON'T KEEP WILD ANIMALS CAPTIVE!
There are few things that annoy me more about NYC (including even public transportation) than the tipping tradition during the holidays. I am by no means wealthy - at least not for this city. I live in a tiny aparment, for which the rent is $1825 a month and it continues to rise by at least a hundred bucks every year. I don't live in a luxurious high rise with a doorman. I live in a dumpy apt. building that has rats in the basement - Con Ed just informed me that they haven't been able to take an actual reading of my power usage because of the "environmental hazards" in the basement.
In addition, the front door of my building is always broken. It never closes all the way for the lock to catch, so basically, the entire homeless population could come in anytime and urinate all over the lobby. Notice how THAT'S more upsetting to me than the fact that I could be burglarized or killed.
Enter - the superintendant, or as apt. dwellers say, "the super." I met this lazy ass once when I first moved in three years ago. He unclogged my shower drain and "serviced" my air conditioner, which was really just wiping it off with Windex. I decided to start our relationship out right that day and I gave him 50 bucks for his help! Since then, my air conditioner has broken, as has the lock on my door and my heater. The heater knob became stripped and doesn't actually turn the heat up or down, which has forced me, on occasion, to sit in the nude, covered in ice packs with a fan blowing on me because Oct. was freakishly hot this year and I can't turn the heat off. Let's see what else ... I have plaster falling off my walls and ceiling. The towel bar in my bathroom has come out of the wall leaving giant holes, and every time I need to do laundry, I have to wade through piles of garbage in the basement while dodging scurrying vermin, who believe me ARE NOT AFRAID of humans.
I've called the super and the apt. management company dozens of times over the years for these types of problems. I've even spoken directly to the super who tells me to leave my key out for him and he'll fix everything while I'm at work. The fucker NEVER shows up. NEVER. You know why? Because I haven't tipped him during the holidays!
The drill is for the super to leave some mass-produced holiday card at your doorstep. Inside the completely insincere card there won't even be a real signature, just a rubber stamped name and address of where to send the holiday tip. On principle I have refused to tip because he's never done anything for me! But how do I communicate that to him? He's not fixing anything because I haven't given him a bunch of money for Christmas, but I haven't given him money because he's never done a damn thing for me since the first day I met him (AND gave him 50 bucks). It's the chicken and the egg, however, he's the one who broke his side of the bargain first. Also, isn't fixing things this guy's job? Doesn't he already get paid to do this? Why does he need more money?
Most people have so much stress over the holidays with buying gifts, traveling, cooking, cleaning, etc. I have none of that. My stress this time of year is all about this so-called super and how to hold my ground while still getting my air conditioner fixed in time for summer. These guys really shouldn't be called supers. They are anything but super! They're more like hookers. They'll come over and do a job for a big tip!
I'm assuming since we haven't heard anything, the P O T L U C K fiasco has been handled and is under control. However, clearly, we are in emergency mode for the Secret Santa name-picking. This is serious, folks!!
From: PICK A NAME OR DIE
Sent: Thursday, December 13, 2007 3:33 PM
To: I don't feel like spending 20 bucks on any of you losers
Subject: SECRET SANTA
Good Day all….
Much to my surprise there are names left over????????? SIX to be exact!!!!!! I don’t see how that is possible if EVERYONE picked a name.
IF YOU HAVE NOT PICKED A NAME PLEASE COME TO MY DESK AND PICK ONE!!!!
Really?! EVERY company has to do this bullshit?! Kill me now! And enjoy this flurry of e-mails from a co-worker who has too much time and too much interest in this ridiculous holiday office tradition! Not to mention, I have work going on up to my ass! I have so much work to do that I can't stop for lunch. I can't stop to pee. I work insane hours. And then I dream about work all night long. The LAST thing I need is pressure to participate in this bullshit that I probably won't even have time to attend. And, um, I'm a New Yorker! I don't MAKE food! EVER!!
But I do love the increase in exclamation points as this chick gets all rowdy from people being unresponsive. Imagine if that's all you had to worry about at work!
From: Chipper Co-worker FULL of Holiday Spirit
Sent: Fri 11/30/2007 3:46 PM
To: ENTIRE COMPANY
Subject: SECRET SANTA / P O T L U C K - DETAILS
Good Day All,
Here are some details for the Secret Santa….
1) Names will be put in a “bag” for your picking pleasure
Associates please come and see me today!!!!
(if anyone is missing on this list please let me know)
2) Try not to tell anyone who you have especially try not to tell the person whose name you picked that you’ve picked them
3) NO name trading
4) Your monetary maximum is $20.00
5) Gifts will be exchanged on December 18th when we have our department “P O T L U C K” feast
Location will be LARGE CONF ROOM J
Here are some details for the “P O T L U C K” feast
1) Bring some of your heritage to the party or a famous family traditional holiday recipe from your holiday table
2) We don’t want everyone bringing a main course or a dessert so….
a. E-mail me what you’d like to bring;
i. EX: a dessert and a main course or appetizer item and we will break it down accordingly (Soup is fine as well)
That said we look forward to a great turn out and of course the client comes first, but we’d love to see you there.
I am in need of a point person. Any volunteers?????
From: Still Chipper, Yet Slightly Irritated Co-worker
Sent: Tue 12/4/2007 10:23 AM
To: ENTIRE COMPANY (Many of whom, let’s face it are annoyed by these e-mails)
Subject: SECRET SANTA / P O T L U C K - DETAILS
Hello everyone!!!!
I don’t have anyone sending me what they’d like to bring in for the department “P O T L U C K”. I would like to have all assignments out by Friday!!!!!!.
Thank you
From: Chipper, and Apparently Incompetent Holiday-spirited Co-worker
Sent: Tue 12/4/2007 4:09 PM
To: ENTIRE COMPANY (We’re all deleting these by now, right?)
Subject: SECRET SANTA / P O T L U C K - DETAILS
GOOD DAY ALL!!!!
NAME PICKING MUST BE DONE AGAIN!!!! (DUPLICATE NAMES IN THE “BAG”)
PLEASE COME BY MY DESK AND RE-PICK… PLEASE AND THANK YOU!!!!
Regarding “P O T L U C K”. I would like to have all assignments out by Friday!!!!!!.
I need you to send me TWO items
1) Main Course
2) Dessert
3) Then I will break down accordingly
From: Fuck Holiday Spirit. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU’RE BRINGING NOW!!!!!!!
Sent: Thu 12/6/2007 11:48 AM
To: ENTIRE COMPANY (Nearly all of whom clearly have no interest in the P O T L U C K)
Subject: 'P O T L U C K" - DISHES
Good Day All…..
I still have not received any items as to what you would like to bring for “P O T L U C K “
Right now I only have 10 responses.
I would like to have all assignments out by Friday!!!!!!.
This is really for my favorite guy who's overseas. I miss you terribly!! Hell, all of New York City misses you! Hopefully, these photos will help you realize how much you miss NYC, too! COME HOME!!!
Oh, and the two or so other people who actually read this blog, may like a little New York Christmas spirit too. NYC is the most special place for the holidays. Truly, it's amazing to witness. I feel so lucky to live here. It's the ONLY time of the year when crowds on the street and people CONSTANTLY bumping into me doesn't turn me into a raving lunatic. (Of course, it doesn't make me any more chipper on public transportation, though.) Enjoy!!
OK, so this isn't really a Christmas photo, but dammit it's funny. It's Lola sitting inside an empty comforter bag. Yes, I know she still has that furrowed brow that makes her look super bitchy! But it's cute! She's hanging out in the bag!!
New job. Same old shit. Seriously, people, take my word as a professional communicator - the more clever you find a phrase to be, the less it makes sense, and makes you look like a total asshole! Here are a few ridiculous phrases I heard in a meeting the other day in preparation for a client presentation. These are written EXACTLY as they were said.
- "Since we kicked the tires on going to New Orleans, it's definitely explorable." - Everyone in the meeting thought this was such a great idea. I don't get what the idea is!!
- "With this idea we take a contrarian approach. The idea is contrarian." - This guy must have Word of the Day toilet paper and he's all psyched to use his newly learned word as much as possible.
- "We can take this idea and serve it up any way you'd like." - Does this mean I can get fries with my idea, and hold the mayo?
- "We need ownable events, not transactional events." - I don't know what this means. We're not a fucking bank!
- "People, we need to be suited and booted for the presentation. Really, we have to be buttoned-up." - Just for spite, I think I will wear sweats and sneakers with my shirt wide open and unbuttoned!
- "I can't make this next meeting. I'm going to be out of pocket all next week." Really? You spend most of your days inside a pocket of some sort? Is there lint in the pocket?
The new job, as I'm learning, is going to require quite of bit of travel. The hotel we use corporately is Four Seasons. Pretty nice, right? Well, only if you weren't totally freaked out by Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds.
The service is so intense at that place that it's almost uncomfortable. Obviously, I'm not meant to be some rich person as I totally don't get off on the swarming and stalking and repeated assault of the staff. It's annoying to me. You can't even go on or off the property without being stopped every time at the little driveway booth. "Welcome to Four Seasons." Or "I hope you enjoyed your time at the Four Seasons." And this little parking attendant booth looks all official like it's for security. I was assuming I'd have to show my room key or something. I didn't realize they were forcing me to stop just to shoot the shit.
Then, when you pull up the driveway, the bellmen don't even let you stop the car or get your shit together before they jump in and drive off. It's like a pit stop during a NASCAR race. You've got one bellman pulling you out of the car and popping the trunk, while another is unloading and taking off with your luggage. You're then whisked into the hotel through the cloud of dust left from your car screeching off, while four more bellmen descend upon you to ask how your trip was, each holding a door open for you. All this under, like, 30 seconds.
After I assured all five bellman that accompanied me to the front desk that I could actually handle transporting my tiny carryon bag myself, I was left with a barrage of greetings and questions from the front desk clerks. "How was your flight? How was your trip?" They don't really mean it! They don't want me to actually tell the half-hour-long rant about the kids on my flight that made it miserable. It would crush them! I couldn't do that to their sunny dispositions and eager, gleaming smiles.
After 10 minutes of forced cheerfulness I made my way to the elevator where, indeed, there was someone waiting to press the "up" button. Really? THAT'S your job? Lobby elevator button pusher? What do you even put on your resume for that? "Hotel Guest Transportation Specialist?" This person, too, made sure to ask me how my trip and my check-in was. What? The check-in? As in two minutes ago? Again, I couldn't tell her the truth that I was exhausted from the mindless chatter and the attack of the navy blue-suited Pollyannas.
FINALLY, I made it to my room. I just wanted to relax, yet THREE different times I got a soft knock and an attempted entry into my room. On the last knock, I finally went to the door and asked, "Who's there and what do you want?" Then I heard through the door, "Turn down service ma'am." Um, it's like 2 p.m.! Not quite ready for bed yet. Then I made the mistake of asking her to come back later. See, I should have specified an exact time because she did come back later - about three more times. Realizing that I wouldn't be able to get any peace and quiet in my room, I decided to head to the beach and start knocking back some cocktails.
No luck on the relaxation there either. I couldn't even get one sip down before a waiter would come up and ask if I needed anything, and of course, how my stay was going. They would come up with towels and robes and umbrellas and flip flops and lotions, etc. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can do without a $100 pair of flip flops added to my room.
This kind of service annoyance went on for my entire stay. I was really almost to the point of checking in to some budget motel just to have a place to visit to get away from the staff. Seriously, what's that motel that says, "We'll leave the light on for you?" That's perfect! That's about as much service as I require. That's where I want to stay next time!
Went to Dallas for another event last week. From LaGuardia to Dallas Fort Worth, it's about a three-hour non-stop flight, I think. Well, it might as well have been three days! Why is it that the one person who really dislikes kids more than anyone else in the world - that would be me - gets stuck EVERY TIME on flights around kids?!?
I had to leave on a Sunday morning. I was tired and a little hung over and pissed off that I was going to be missing the Packers game. I just wanted to crash in my window seat and get some much-needed sleep before I had to face the client for dinner that evening. It's exhausting - doing these client dinners. It's like you have to be "on" the entire time and not the kind of "on" I enjoy. I can't crack all my rude and irreverent jokes and make fun of everyone around the table to their faces. I can't drink an entire bottle of cabernet myself and tell all my funniest drunk stories. No, I have to sit there and make small talk and actually feign interest in these losers' personal lives. Seriously, I think doing these dinners is even more exhausting than, say, being a parent!! To some, being a parent takes no work at all!
Cut to - the plane taking off. This is my fave part of the flight. For some reason, the waiting on the runway, the safety instructions (which BTW nobody listens to, not even the flight attendants so just assume if we're going down, it's everyone for himself) and the actual take-off put me right to sleep. I normally don't even wake up until I hear the familiar rustle of snack bags being passed out and opened up, for which I always perk up in the hopes it's more than just a tiny bag of unsalted peanuts or pretzels. Isn't it like wining the lottery when they actually hand out something awesome - like that Chex Mix snack mix or Doritos? Now, that's a first class flight!
Anyway, on this particular flight I didn't even get to fall asleep during the take-off because there was a 2-year old girl sitting behind me blabbing at the top of her lungs and kicking my seat. Now, I get it. She's 2. She has no idea that she's the most annoying person on the planet, and I doubt she even cares. But where is mom? Why isn't mom asking her to use her inside voice? If the kid was crying, I would have been much more sympathic of her mental meltdown. But this little girl was happily jabbering away and asking, "What's that?" serioulsy, EVERY second. I realized that mom probably thinks this is really cute, thus mom assumes all the other passengers must think it's adorbable, too. Let me tell you parents that, no, your kids aren't cute. Not even a bit.
So, I turned around to give the mom "the look." She wasn't even sitting directly next to the little girl. She was sitting on the ailse with her headphones on as if she knew her kid is super annoying and was just trying to ignore her. Well, I had my iPod on, too, and I could still hear this little girl and feel her kicking my seat. Um, people, please remember that even if you are used to the loud annoying voices of your kids, the rest of us aren't!! I continued to give mom "the look" a million times. Until finally she ripped off her headphones and started screaming at me in her Texas drawl, "She's 2 years old ma'am! I suggest you move seats if she's bothering you or turn your iPod louder!"
First off, the flight was full! There were no other seats, except middle seats. And secondly (as I told mom), I shouldn't have to move! I wasn't doing anything wrong! I was only trying to sleep! So, I calmly asked mom, "Can't you just please ask her to stop yelling and maybe move her to the middle seat so she's not kicking my seat?" (All the while, mind you, there was the loud booming voice of a 2-year-old in the background repeatedly asking, "What's that?") Mom just simply ignored me. So there I am fuming at the prospect of spending the entire flight with kid-shout in my ear and constant pounding on my seat. I don't think it's cute AT ALL!
Here's what I've decided - there need to be special sections on airplanes - one for families and annoying talking people and one for normal people who just want to sit quietly and relax. Better yet, the families should get their own planes. I'm so starting a letter-writing campaign about this. I'm sick of my life constantly being interrupted and annoyed just because others choose to reproduce but not actually parent!
So, two weeks on the new job. It's going OK. Ingraining myself even further in the corporate world I hate so much, I have mixed feelings about announcing that I am now a Vice President. Honestly, the title thing - I couldn't give two shits. It's better money, which is nice, but a whole new level of dealing with self-important brainless fucks who LOVE to hear themselves talk. How did this happen to me?
I wasn't expecting much. I've never been a V.P. before, unless it stands for Very Pissed ALL THE TIME at work! But it has been kind of a pleasant surprise. As I mentioned in the title, I think I'm kind of a big deal around here. I've got the big window office with the fancy wood desk and matching guest chairs.
People have been really nice and actually have been coming up to introduce themselves to me. At first I was annoyed but then I realized they're trying to kiss my ass! It blows my mind! I've never had an ass anyone wanted to kiss!
Then a nice woman came in the other day and revealed to me that she was my assistant and to let her know when I need her to do something. She checked in several times that day to let me know she's available and waiting. Frankly, it freaks me out! That's a lot of pressure. Not only do I have to figure out a way to fill my own day, but I gotta find stuff for this chick to do all day, too?
The normally completely unhelpful IT department has been falling all over themselves to set up my laptop, my office computer and my blackberry, etc. Things are pretty cushy here at the top of the ladder. In fact, on my very first week we actually had an event to do. I was asked to go along and I was happy to do so. A weekend in Palm Beach at the Four Seasons. Not too shabby. Based on the treatment I had been receiving thus far in my career as a VP, I assumed I'd be there to "oversee" things. Isn't that what I'm supposed to do now? I'm not supposed to actually work, right? I'm at that level where I don't even have to look like I'm busy anymore. Right? Aren't I supposed to be out playing golf all day or something?
Cut to ... the event:
- I had to take a client out to dinner, during which she got BOMBED, slurred long boring stories with her face less than 1/10th of an inch from my face, and when she could no longer be contained with her chair dancing, she got up and shimmied all over the restaurant molesting the waiters who kept saying, "Um, ma'am, this is not really a dance floor."
- I was forced to wear a super ugly, ill-fitting branded T-shirt.
- I got stuck unloading and carrying, like, 20 giant and awkwardly shaped boxes across the entire event venue to our corporate booth. There was sweating and an aching back involved, and I got box dirt all over my super ugly, ill-fitting branded T-shirt.
- My idiot colleague got lost on the way to event - it was TWO miles from the hotel - and was an hour late leaving me to set up a booth that I've never seen before with banners and equipment I've never used before.
- I got yelled at by the extremely hungover and crabby client who arrived at the event and noticed nothing was set up correctly.
- I dropped a giant folding table on my foot, and one of the free-standing banners I set up blew over directly ON my client's throbbing head and the response was not good.
Turns out, I'm not such a big deal after all.
Oh! It's been two weeks at my new job and I have so many new people to make fun of and a whole new vocabulary of corporate words to get all pissed off about. Yet, I have no time! I'm actually busy at this new job. And I think you know my posting policy, in that I don't do it on personal time! It's either got to fit into my work day or it won't get done at all. There's too much good TV on to waste my time on Vox.
That said, I still have been capturing odd things on public transportation, so I figured I could at least post this quickly. I'm sure nobody's a bigger bitch than me! But seriously, this chick on the subway was so strange looking. Yes, she's got the buck teeth thing going on - like to the point where she really struggled just to close her mouth and make her lips meet. I'm sure they called her chipmunk or rabbit or whatever when she was growing up. Yes, I feel bad for her! It's not her fault! Yada yada yada. What I thought was so weird, though, was how she called attention to her rabbit-esque appearance by wildly chomping on a huge wad of gum. If you have teeth like that - teeth that look like a woodchuck's - you don't constantly show them in a rapid chewing motion as to completely replicate a woodchuck chucking wood! Do you?
