As I mentioned in my earlier post, apparently, I've been watching an exorbitant amount of TV lately. It gets worse - I actually watched a marathon of 17 Kids and Counting. That CRAZY Duggar family that just had their 18th child on air. I guess, whatever. I shouldn't judge them. They have different beliefs (or things they don't believe in) - like they don't believe in new clothes or shoes. They don't believe in the women wearing pants or cutting their hair, and the women also clearly don't believe the fashion magazines that have said for the past TEN years, that perms are out! And, OBVIOUSLY, they don't believe in birth control. The most interesting thing about this last season, though, was watching the eldest son, who is 20, get engaged, because they don't believe in kissing before marriage. KISSING before marriage! How can that be? The engaged couple (who had only met briefly a few times, but prayed about each other until God told them they were right for each other) could only hold hands. And did they ever! They wouldn't even let go when they were eating! Like they would hold her fork together with fingers clasped as she slurped up her meal. As much as I laughed and pointed and rolled my eyes at them, I have to give them credit for sticking to what they believe in. And they seemed like really nice kids, so I hope they have a wonderful life together.
The thing that really stuck with me, though, was the no kissing until the wedding day. That just isn't right! Kissing is like the most important thing EVER! What if he ends up being a giant tongue-down-the-throat guy and she's a bird-beak pecker? I've kissed millions of guys and I would have to say there's a low percentage of them that I thought were great kissers. Not to say that my technique is superior, but let's face it, kissing is something that has to be compatible. You can't just "fix" a really bad kisser. They have to go marry another bad kisser.
They couldn't even give each other a facing frontal hug! I guess because of the boobs touching him thing. He proposed to her, she tearfully said yes, and they gave each other a sideways hug, and then glued their hands together. Come on! THAT'S weird!
Please agree with me because the longer I watched, the more I felt like the hugest slut on Earth! I don't really think I want to get married, so am I supposed to sit here my whole life without making out with anyone?
I'm not sure if infomercials run a lot this time of year or if I've just been watching an excessive amount of TV, but I have never wanted to pick up the phone more to order all these clever gadgets! How did I ever survive with a boring old vacuum when I could have had the lightweight and maneuverable Swivel Sweeper? It picks up EVERYTHING on wood, tile and carpet! And how have I lived a full life with just my ordinary blankets when I could have been using a Snuggie blanket with sleeves? "The Snuggie™ keeps you totally warm and gives you the freedom to use your hands. Work the remote, use your laptop or do some reading in total warmth and comfort!" I can't believe I ever laid on the couch with sleeveless blankets that restricted the movement of my arms, rendering them useless to change the channel or lift a beer to my lips.
It's like I've been living on Little House on the Prairie! Here are a couple of other inventions that I don't think I can live without.
It's like a towel, chamois and sponge all in one! It's the ShamWow! This shit is awesome! I totally want to order it, not to use it in real life, but to reinact the amazing demonstrations. I want to pour of jug of soda on a carpet remnant and use the ShamWow to soak it all up - even under the surface! I want to fill a giant glass bowl with water and watch as the ShamWow absorbs every drop of it! I do believe I would say, "Wow!" every time I used it! Plus, it says it's washable. I have to see this! Wouldn't it just absorb all the water from the washer? It holds 20 times its weight in liquid! Whoa! That just gave me another brilliant idea. I have a friend coming to visit and she wants to watch the ball drop in Times Square on New Year's Eve. Well, anyone who lives in NYC knows this is probably the worst way to ring in the new year, unless you enjoy being barricaded in with millions of strangers standing ass to ass for eight hours or more. Seriously, you can't even pee. People go in bottles or squat on the street right in front of you, or worse yet ON you. It's disgusting. But now, we can just swaddle up with a ShamWow in our underpants and piss all night long!
The next ingenious idea is part of the "Mighty" line, which Billy Mays, the biggest star in infomercials, hawks so enthusiastically. This dude has the coolest job. All he does is demo products and scream into the camera about the great deals he offers! LOVE HIM! Anyway, the latest in the "Mighty" line is Mighty Mendit. It's not a glue, it's a "fabric mender." You should see all the shit this stuff does! It hems pants, fuses busted seams, fixes rips in your sofa cushions, etc. In the commercial, they even mend a parachute and a skydiver actually uses it on a jump to demonstrate its bonding strength. The next time I skydive and notice a hole in the parachute, I will be armed with Mighty Mendit! How handy it will be as I plummet to the Earth shitting until my pants seam splits and when I finally land on a junked sofa at the curb and rip a cushion upon impact with my skydiving gear. You know what I really want to do? I want to buy one of those Snuggie sleeved blankets and close up the arm holes with Mighty Mendit. Now THAT would be funny!
And finally, I HAVE to try the Smooth Away hair removal system. This looks amazing and like there's no way it can work. Basically, you take these handheld, manual sanders and with the "wax on, wax off" motion, your hair just buffs away. HOW?!? This seems so cool especially after the commercial shows people painfully undergoing prehistoric methods of hair removal. The poor man who winces in pain as the hair on his chest is ripped off with wax. His machismo won't allow a scream, but his pain is evident in the silent single tear that slides down his cheek. Then the various women who do yell, "Ouch!" as they pluck, laser and shave their hair away. These people appear to be near death at the end of their grooming routines. But now, thankfully, they will be able to just smooth away their unwanted hair, even in "sensitive" areas. OK, please tell me how SANDING your body until the hair falls off is less painful than any of the traditional methods! Plus, you know there will be those cheapskates who think they can smooth away their hair with stuff they already have around the house and before you know it, you have people taking belt sanders to their pubes.
And now I want to leave you with a few words of encouragement ...
"Similar products sell for ..."
"As an added bonus, you will receive ..."
"But call right now, and we'll give you a second set absolutely free, less shipping and handling ..."
What is it about the first snowfall of the year? It's like magic. It's totally re-energizing for me. It's like all the shit from the whole year is covered in this beautiful blanket of white snow, making even dog poop and garbage beautiful. Snow is not that common in NYC. It happens maybe once or twice a year, and for a midwest girl like me, it is a treat!!! I've been watching the news and preparing for the this storm so I could walk around in it and enjoy it, which I did. So, here is a photo of the first snowfall in NYC. Um, remember it's not like I live Telluride or any sort of place that has natural beauty.
OK , so not only am I super psyched about snow and running around in it today, but normally my cats are glued to the window when there's a snowstorm. I mean, they are retards who look at anything moving outside the window, and snow is one of their favorites. Yet this time, even though I announced to the entire household that it was snowing outside, this is the only reaction I got.
A friend of mine sent me this photo. I think it was taken on a subway platform. Apparently, this is the newest thing. You just plug your earphones into the wall and you get to hear tunes. So, my friend sent this photo to us thinking it was pretty cool. Like, WOW, technology has really outdone itself this time. Clearly, he's not a germaphobe like the rest of us.
As we all replied, responses seemed to follow the same train of thought ... this is the most disgusting thing EVER on a subway platform. While it's true that it's only an earphone jack hole we're sharing, there were many concerns. The worst of which was the fear of discovering someone "splooged" in the hole (which brought up a whole other debate on how a dick - and what nationality dick - could fit into that tiny hole).
After much deliberation, I'm sorry to report to Target that this, indeed, is not a good idea in NYC. It's what they call in the "marketing biz" a huge flop! And worse, in what they call the "infectious disease biz," this is known as a hole-o-herpes!
While I was waiting for the bus the other day, I had the pleasure of watching this guy peel a hard-boiled egg - while, of course, tossing the shells in the street - and then shove the entire thing in his mouth.
Egg shells is garbage right? It's just the dumbest thing I've ever seen - someone standing on the curb throwing egg shells in the street. It really pissed me off. I stared at the guy the entire time with this look on my face, like are you seriously throwing your kitchen garbage in the street? He continued, unfazed.
Then, I stared again in amazement as this guy hoovered up the entire egg in one suck. His cheeks were so full and he was chewing like a maniac. He ate it so fast, I couldn't even get a shot of it. Here he is after devouring the entire egg. Clearly, he's pissed that I've caught him being such an asshole.
Then, I finally get on the bus and I end up sitting across from this freakshow. First, he's wearing pajama pants - it's 24 degrees out. And two, every time the bus door opens he plugs his ears, closes his eyes and rocks back and forth. Now, there is a slight beeping sound when the bus stops and lowers to let passengers unboard and board. It is NOT however at any sort of sound level where you would have to plug your ears. And even if it was loud enough to hurt this guy's ears, then what the hell is he doing in NYC? It's the loudest place EVER! How does he walk the streets with screaming sirens and garbage trucks and those huge double-decker tour buses rumbling by?
I will never grow tired of the weird people in this city.
OK people, THIS is funny!!! I'm so over the Routan babies and I'm all about elves! I'm sure normal people make these videos of themselves with other people. Yeah, not Gerri. I love how Gerri is just as bitchy as her cats.
So remember that one day I was all rowdy about the saltines someone left on the table in our office kitchen? So that's what our kitchen used to look like. It used to have an actual dining area. Today, however, they dismantled the table that was home to all the gross, stale leftover meeting morsels, and the occasional saltine, and they installed this GIANT poop-colored couch.
Oh, and did I mention the poop couch has several poop stains on it?
Why?!? Why?!? Do we want a poopy couch in our kitchen? I've been watching all day and not one person has relaxed on the shit sofa. Plus, it's like a totally used, beat-up, crappy couch. Like the intern brought it in straight from his house in college. In fact, I think we had a shitty couch in our kitchen in college. But that's because if we weren't drinking booze, we were laying on a couch, and in the kitchen a couch was convenient and closer to the Ramen noodles ... and more beer.
I am going to be on 8-hour-couch-watch every day now. I need to see what the purpose is of this giant, disgusting piece of living room furniture in our kitchen. Will someone actually sit on it? Next to the garbage? Watching everyone come in and make their coffee and blow their lunches up in the microwave? And where will all the leftover meeting food go? What will happen to the daily e-mail alerting us that there's "food in the kitchen?" And finally, our poor receptionist, who normally is chained to her desk and is the ONLY person who actually ate at the lunchroom table ... where will she eat? I'm sure she's going to have to balance her food on her lap while she sits and sinks into the dooked up davenport.
I'll let you know what happens.
Here's a snapshot of my Thanksgiving. Ah what fun. To be fair, this guy did cook our ENTIRE meal including all the sides ... and it was great! So I supposed he's allowed to take a nap.
The other night I tried to watch Shrek the Third. I have never seen the first or second movie, but I figured it wouldn't be that hard to understand what was going on. I feel like I know the main characters just from all the media, like Mike Myers and that donkey played by Eddie Murphy. And I thought I knew the basic story. Well I guess I was wrong.
I didn't realize that princess Fiona was a green ogre, too. I thought she was a regular person. Right? Then, as the movie goes on, we learn that the king is going to die. This is Fiona's dad ... and, um, he's a frog.
Why is he a frog? And Fiona's mother is a normal lady. Why did she marry a frog? And are you telling me that the queen had sex with a frog and then birthed an ogre? I'm so confused, and not entirely sure this movie is suitable for kids!
By the time we got to the old frog's funeral (where his "wife" pushed his frog coffin that was set atop a lilly pad across the pond to float away), I was done. How does a frog become a king anyway? Does he rule a land of humans or what? I've been really distracted by this now (you know how I obsess) and I supposed I'll have to google the whoe story to get the scoop.
So, I've finally linked in. I really only did because of peer pressure. Have you heard of this queer social networking thing, Linkedin? As one of my friends said, it's the Facebook for old people. I don't like networking, or basically talking to people in real life, so I certainly don't want people shooting me e-mails all day. After several invites to "link in," however, I finally broke down and "joined." I didn't do the whole profile thing. I just put my name and my job, and that's it. I've never fucked with it since. However, I do get tons of e-mails from people asking me to join them or link up with them (I have no idea what the real cyber-phrase is).
This is where the whole Linkedin thing gets interesting. Apparently, people in the network measure their worth by the number of contacts they have. I've had people send me an invite and they already have, like, a MILLION contacts! Really? You like THAT many people? You fucking ass-kisser!
But truly the reason I've started to embrace this whole Linkedin thing is because it's kind of like high school. You can pick and choose your peeps. So, here's how it works ...
You get an e-mail from someone who wants to "link up" or "network" with you (again, I don't know the correct terminology), and then you have a couple of choices. You can either choose (and I'm paraphrasing), "Yes, link me up with this person" OR you can choose "I don't know this person." OK, so first flaw of the Linkedin system. There should be a choice that says, "Um, not in a million fucking years would I EVER link up with you ... poser asshole. I HATE you!" But, there's not a choice like that. Shoot!
So now I have this guy I know - who I HATE - who has sent me an invite to link in with him. I have no idea how he doesn't know that the last thing I would ever want to do is link in (AKA get herpes) from him. How does this guy not know how much I hate him? Well, he might wonder now. He's the only invite I haven't accepted. So week after week I get a reminder e-mail that he's still sitting there, waiting for me to link up with him. Never gonna do it! It's kinda cool. In person, I suppose I could never tell him I hate him and don't want to talk with him when he approaches me to network, but online, I can blow him off until he gets the hint. Hopefully.
